elementary story writing

i severely need to get my shit together, but i can't remember how. or why. or who, what, where, or when. kinda like how the six o'clock news forgets those same [w]h's every night when i have to listen to a horribly reported story about a dog having to sleep outside overnight or some other bullshit nonsense that in no way impacts the world or anything in it except maybe that dog which might be a little peeved and somewhat-rightfully so except not really cause you're a fucking dog so get over it already, jeez. that is what the world feels like every minute of every day of most weeks in all months...

an ode to opposites

99% percent of my friends would agree that my most prevailing personality trait is my unmatched laziness, and the opposing 1% would only disagree because i somehow managed to graduate college in time without having to do the 5th year victory lap (still not sure how i pulled that off). if i don't leave my house between the time i wake up to the time i go to sleep about ten hours later, it's been a good day. nay, a GREAT day. give me a tv, way too much delivery food, and a forty and you've just described my version of the heavenly kingdom. granted...

knock knock. who's there? a lot of crazy shit

i've been noticing something lately: the world has totally lost its fucking shit. seriously.  liiiiiike what is happening? when watching the news is more disturbing than the real housewives of new york city reunion, i start to get concerned. these bitchz b TRIPPIN' over the debt ceiling debacle the best aka worst part of the world suddenly coming off it's meds is the average person's complete inability to do anything but watch the schizo's battle it out for who gets to kill us all first. since i have nothing else to do, i've just been chillen...

reasons i should peruse a career as a late night show host

1. I'm a redhead and thus awesome and slightly off 2. I don't know what a filter is 3. There aren't any female late night hosts, besides Chelsea Lately but that doesn't really count cause it's just celebrity gossip with one guest interview that just happens to come on late at night 4. I'm good at making fun of people without them realizing 5. My only real skill is my personality and foul mouth 6. I'm good at tricking people into thinking I'm cool, and then when they're hooked I'm all "bahahaha gotcha bitch!" and show them my shell collection,...

why i wish animals had opposible thumbs

i fucking love animals. like.... a lot. too much, some might say. if it's an animal and has a face, there's about a 99.99% chance i will squeel, clench my jaw, and shake my fists uncontrollably while overcome with glee and giddyness. i have a somewhat socially unacceptable habit of going up to random dogs being walked on the street and start petting them and cooing into their face how they're the cutest thing on the face of the earth without once acknowledging their owner or even asking if they're ok with my physical invasion of their very personal...

if only i was paid for books and cigarettes, part I

Franny and Zooey is one of the more genius books I've had the pleasure of reading. It's like an old friend that just gets every twirling bit occuring between your ears, lecturing with just the right amount of audacity to ensure you that you aren't crazy and your thoughts are justified, but wallowing like a moron is the worst idea you've had yet. It's genius in the same way that your middle aged mother is beautiful, that is to say not obviously yet still honestly. It's old, the pages are yellowed, the binding is broken and dull, but because of that you know exactly it's value. The lingo is...

someone who loves me spent $100,000 and all i got was a useless piece of paper

Four years of body building my brain and I can't even get hired as a dog walker. Isn't a diploma suppose to take the form of a golden ticket? False advertising like whoa. On the plus side, my parents are gone for a week and so I get to pretend that I'm not 22 and living at home. Also, it's nice to have no one to judge me for sitting on the couch all day while wallowing in self pity fueled by rejection and inadequacy, being told via silence that you don't even require the skills to walk an animal. Everyone loves a useless college grad! Time to find solace at the bottom of a wine bottle on...