Monday, August 9, 2010

if only i was paid for books and cigarettes, part I

Franny and Zooey is one of the more genius books I've had the pleasure of reading. It's like an old friend that just gets every twirling bit occuring between your ears, lecturing with just the right amount of audacity to ensure you that you aren't crazy and your thoughts are justified, but wallowing like a moron is the worst idea you've had yet. It's genius in the same way that your middle aged mother is beautiful, that is to say not obviously yet still honestly. It's old, the pages are yellowed, the binding is broken and dull, but because of that you know exactly it's value. The lingo is out dated, the narration can be preachy, but, my god, she speaks a truth that can't be argued. As cliché as mothers and Salinger can be, they're clichés for a reason, an aspect that goes unremembered until you're back home again and trying to remember why you spent so long away in the first place.

No one will argue against the legitmacy of the Glass family, and those who do probably belong to the group of people so detested by the two youngest Glass members. It's a family that trancends the bounds of fiction, formulated so truthfully that one often forgets that poor Seymour never really did shoot his brains out-- I half expect to find their family history on the same shelves of the Kennedy's. The short stories of the Glass's are interwoven by the same minor details that lead to the tangling confusion of real life, that to picture a person pulling these connections from nowhere but imagination seems more fictional than the story itself.

Monday, August 2, 2010

someone who loves me spent $100,000 and all i got was a useless piece of paper

Four years of body building my brain and I can't even get hired as a dog walker. Isn't a diploma suppose to take the form of a golden ticket? False advertising like whoa. On the plus side, my parents are gone for a week and so I get to pretend that I'm not 22 and living at home. Also, it's nice to have no one to judge me for sitting on the couch all day while wallowing in self pity fueled by rejection and inadequacy, being told via silence that you don't even require the skills to walk an animal. Everyone loves a useless college grad! Time to find solace at the bottom of a wine bottle on a Monday afternoon 'cause no one is depending on my sobriety. Silver lining?

Friday, July 23, 2010

another week of unemployment in review

One thing summer HAS brought me is the British Beer Co. in Pembroke. Every Thursday after my weekly sign language class (the only form of scheduled events I have), Zan and I make our way to our new not-so-local favorite. Needless to say, the combination of my fiery locks and incredible split personality upon the entrance of alcohol into my bloodstream has led to a nice little reputation for myself. That reputation being the girl who yells at the two-man cover band featured every week, mainly because they continually refuse me happiness in the form of a Neil Young song. Seriously? What the fuck, bro. Not only, in my humble & consistently correct opinion, should you have the entirety of Neil Young's collection memorized and ready at any moment, but after two months of abuse why wouldn't you just save yourself the harassment and google that shit? I'm sending this case to Unsolved Mysteries.

The BBC has also introduced to one of the better things that have come to my attention this summer. Two things that make me unequivocally happy are vodka and absurd celebrity decisions, specifically if they are done in one hundred percent seriousness. And thus I present to you a golden discovery of genius and all too randomly hysterical Dan Aykroyd "Crystal Head" Vodka:





I have far too many question, comments, and conspiracy theories to even begin to crack this case. And I can be certain that my multitude of "whys" will forever go unanswered as Dan doesn't have my cell number nor did he answer any of my countless facebook chat attempts (dick). So I must settle and be satisfied with this great gift given to me from the gods of nectar/liquor. So thank you allahs above, and may I forever be grateful for your unmatched sense of humor. Amen.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

because no one will hire me,

I have started this blog. I have also graduated college, moved back in with my parents, and developed quite a taste for Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy after dinner with said parents, each of us with a glass of wine in hand. Thus, I have learned how to go from 22 to 62 in a matter of months. I have also learned to loathe unemployment, which turns out to not be all that of a difficult feat. Surprisingly, doing nothing all day with no form of commitment or responsibility is fucking awful. Who knew? Oh, how I would curse and shake my fist at my blank Word document during the days of endless research papers and looming exams, all while wistfully dreaming for a time when I could just lay around with nothing to do. Well now that I'm in my former dream of Eden, I'm beginning to realize how closely Eden ressembles a prison cell. Fuck a tempting talking snake. Sooner or later you find yourself looking for anything that'll cause a little excitement, evil and all. Where the hell is my damn apple?
 

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