why i wish animals had opposible thumbs

i fucking love animals. like.... a lot. too much, some might say. if it's an animal and has a face, there's about a 99.99% chance i will squeel, clench my jaw, and shake my fists uncontrollably while overcome with glee and giddyness. i have a somewhat socially unacceptable habit of going up to random dogs being walked on the street and start petting them and cooing into their face how they're the cutest thing on the face of the earth without once acknowledging their owner or even asking if they're ok with my physical invasion of their very personal space. if i were this way with people's children, i'd be thrown in jail in about .2 seconds. but i can't help it, i'm like a boozehound at an open bar. it's gotten to the point where i am sent pictures of random animals from friends on a pretty much daily basis. dogs, cats, racoons, skunks, dogs on skateboards, baby wombats, elephants, cats stuck in things, baby lions/giraffes/hyennas/black bears/camels, hedgehogs, etc etc etc. usually it's in a form of mockery, but jokes on you suckas cause iiiiiiiii love 'em.

surprise! baby wombats are the cutest! who knew?! (hint: me)

basically i love animals more than people, which sucks for me because people are a whole lot easier to keep in contact with. sadly, no pets that i know have cellphones or a facebook (that they opperate and use) so my missing of certain animals that i've become particularly good friends with usually goes without any form of closure. for this reason, i gave gathered a list of the top five animals for whom i would gladly go over my texting limit if the good lord had given them the gift of thumbs and speech (and immortality for the ones who are no longer with us). without further adieu and in order from least favorite to most favorite, i present to you my top five pets i miss the most (a five part series):

#5- kitty

me and kitty had a love/hate relationship of sorts. rescued from the pound or something, kitty had some mental and emotional problems to say the least. basically, she was a bitch, though an underrated and misunderstood bitch. apparently she was raised in some shitty apartment with like 2o little kids who basically made her life hell which caused her to hate pretty much all and any humans. there was also rumor that she was found living in an abandoned crack house in brooklyn before being taken to the pound, but who knows. kitty was my roommate anna's cat that she got the year before i moved in with her. kitty got a pretty bad rap from the get-go, mostly because she didn't really like being pet and what use is a cat if you can't squeeze it halfway to death against it's will. mostly she just sat at a distance and glared at you while looking disgusted by your presence, which would always peeve me off 'cause i'm paying rent you asshole, what have you done around here lately?

upon moving in with anna and kitty, i decided i would be the one to train her into at least being tolerable. you see, the problem came from the fact that anna, god bless her little russian heart, had never been a pet owner and thus did not realize that encouraging biting as "just teething" or scratching as "adorable love marks" leads to a furry little asshole who thinks they run shit. and thus began nelson's boot camp for cats. anna didn't quite approve of my water-bottle-squirt-to-the-face training methods and i do admit that at times i would get a little squirt-happy and spray kitty for no other reason than just sitting there looking bitchy. however, after a month or two of boot camp, kitty was a whole new kitty. she definitely still glared, but now it was from a much closer distance. i would find her sleeping in my bed (what?!), hanging out with us in the living room (huh?), and even purring while rubbing up against my shins every now and then (braaaw?? ). pretty soon she was jumping up and sitting in my lap on her own accord and allowing people (mostly me) to pick her up and hold her for extended periods of time. in one short summer, we had gone from forced and hated roommates to good old fashion pet and (kind of) owner.

sadly, kitty soon developed a bad case of cat leukemia which quickly turned into the worst and most tense month of 415 cali drive history. strangely/not so strangely, it was her last month of life that kitty showed the most love to all of us. it was a sad and smelly month of watching our cat become weaker and bonier until eventually she had to be put down. however, she went out with lots of love and support from even her most mortal enemies, a sign of a truly reformed cat sinner. RIP kitty, may you be glaring and swatting to your hearts desire up there in feline heaven

reason i would want to text her: due to kitty's natural bitchy disposition, i know that she would've sent some of the most hysterically judgemental texts, probably about how ugly that girl's outfit is or how the most heinous piece of guido garbage just tried to pick her up. texts talking shit about strangers are the best kind, and kitty would've been queen of them.